Per Ironiam Fatum
by ShinichiKudoOwnsMySoul
Summary: Reincarnation is cruel. When I was killed by a vending machine, I did not expect to be reborn in the world of Durarara. Nor did I expect my sex being changed, but now I was Izaya Orihara of all people! Leave me alone, Shizuo! Can I survive mafia guys, Shizuo, and Shizuo? OC reincarnation, SI!Izaya. Potential Shizaya
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'm rewriting Per Ironiam Fatum. Don't get me wrong, the original is good-but I want to cover more of Lucia's life and her new life as Izaya: This includes going over his new life as a baby (though albeit more brief) and then life as a toddler and mostly his years into elementary and high school. And then the fun stuff begins. I rambled on way too much in the original, so I want to try and redo it. I hope you'll enjoy the new incarnation of it.

" **Reborn here in this grubby old hospital, surrounded by the sick and the dying, people who deserve a second chance far more than he does. But it isn't the pink-and-white cooing kind of rebirth. It's more like being wrenched from a warm, dark, comfortable place and forced out into a bright, frightening world where nothing is certain."**

― Peter Blauner, The Intruder

"I wouldn't mind dying — it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." R. Geis'

"Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die."

― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

Chapter One: That's the way the Vending Machine falls, or in other words, why on earth am I Izaya Orihara, of all people? Fate hates me.

* * *

Life is a fickle thing, as destiny can also be. One can never quite tell what will happen in their lives. One second, you can be a happy, happy human being, and then the next, you could be suffering great misfortune and be begging for death to come hit you. Death and life are both intertwined in one great union.

You can't live without knowing-somehow, from the time that you're an infant watching television-that, even though your parents tell you sweet, sweet little fairy tales about life and how 'heaven' exists-you know that one day, your very existence will vanish, disappear. It'll happen to you, and to me, and to everyone you care about, from your friends to your parents to even your pets.

Death does not judge on character.

Death does not pick or choose favorites. Death merely does its job, meticulously, coming to everyone, from the tiniest blade of grass, to a big oak tree, an insect, and even t a human being.

Death does not care who it takes with it. It will take you at any time, at any place, at any age. You can be ten years old, even an old person, and death will steal you away from this world.

It steals infants from mothers when they are barely old enough to walk, it steals parents who are dying of cancer. It can be slow and steady, like cancer, or fast like a heart attack. But as good ol' Benjamin Franklin put it best, there are only two certainties to life: taxes and death.

Too bad ol' Ben never realized there was more truth to it than that.

But death and life? I should really know what it's like to meet death.

I know that more than any other human being on this earth.

But, when you think about it, life and death are awfully fascinating things to think about, don't you agree?

Ah, you disagree? You prefer to live your life, happy as can be, with your head up in the clouds, without any worries, or Hakuna Matata, as Timone and Pumbaa put it.

But that attitude will never help you live. Humans prefer to ignore death, don't they?

The newscasters refer to death not in the regular sense, but in the abstract, like it doesn't exist. Someone didn't die when they were hit by a car, they were _fatally wounded,_ a president is not murdered, he is _assassinated,_ soldiers in warfare refer to dead people as casualties of war. It is as though they erase the very sense of life itself.

Kids, your parents don't want you to know that death exists. But it does, it does, trust me. Not that I'm the person to necessarily trust in, heh. But seriously, close your eyes for a few moments...and think about it, really think about it.

Humans can die, of anything, in the most fascinating ways.

Humans can be hit by buses, beheaded, captured, drowned, burned at the stake. Some survive such horrible odds. Others do not. Think of Tycho Brahe, who died of intestinal blockage, or of people who have literally laughed themselves to death.

Yet so many of you humans choose to ignore such fascinating thoughts-in favor of clinging to a delusion that we'll always be alive. The truth is, life can be taken away oh so easily. Like I said, I know from first-hand experience.

Ah~, but then you might wonder, am I really being serious? Am I perhaps telling a tall tale, like I usually do, hmm~? Ha ha, perhaps. But one like me does not give out secrets easily-that would be far _too boring_. You see, though I am alive today, typing all this out, at this very moment...a long time ago, I was alive, too.

There's just one thing.

I died, you see. But an _extraordinary thing occurred._

I was reborn, in a different world from my own; in a different life, in a whole new country, even. I had never even believed in reincarnation until it happened to me. Yet I was reborn, as a new person.

But, of all ironies, I happened to be reborn in a world I'd previously thought fictitious, as a character I happened to despise most, and not only that, my sex was changed. From where I had once been a female, I am now a male.

But before all that, let me backtrack just a bit here. I am typing this on my cell phone, so anyone who actually finds this will read it. Alas, they will probably assume I am lying like I usually do.

As I walk, I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket, letting out a loud sigh. It sure is a nice day outside. Very sunny day, lots of nice people around, they're perfect for stalking and getting information out of-wait, what?

As I look around casually, I suddenly hear a loud crash. People behind me start to panic, and run. What could this be, I wonder? Oh, only one thing. One thing, indeed.

I turn my head, slowly. My black bangs slide in front of my eyes; immediately, I push my hair back with my fingers, happening to eye the silver rings on them in interest. A smile dances on my face before it blossoms into a smirk.

'Ah, I knew it. Here it comes.'

A random object suddenly comes flying in my peripheral vision-it is a mere lamp post, ripped out of the ground. Normally, any ordinary person would scream and run. But I? I am accustomed to such things.

Sighing, I scratched my head and step over the wreckage gently, playfully touching it with my fingers before I waved sarcastically at the people nearby, who panic and run.

"It's him! Why is he here, this is bad news?"

"How rude," I mutter, delighted at their being unnerved by me. People can be fun sometimes to mess with. Not that I completely hated them or considered them below me, but they were fun to play with at times.

I guess I've always been a prankster of sorts. But never really outright malicious, most of it is theatrics, to blend in in this role.

I checked my watch, before a smirk played on my face. "Ah, perfect timing. He's here like usual. Predictable~."

You might be wondering as to the identity of the person in question.

Ah, I'll give you three guesses.

I hear a scraping noise as metal is dragged along the ground, and then huge, menacing footfalls behind me. I turn to greet him, smirking. How nice of him to come greet me. He went all this way, just for me.

A long time ago, I would have been squealing in delight upon seeing this man-back when I was someone else. That was then, this is now.

A tall man stands before me, wearing a black-and-white outfit, very nicely dressed. He has blue shades on, as a cigarette dangles from his mouth, it falls to the ground. His blond hair blowing in the wind as he glares at me, like I'm the most despicable person in the world.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

"...So, it's you, again...how many times have I told you now that seeing _your_ face makes me want to vomit...you disgusting _flea."_

How rude. I step backwards, smirking.

"...Such a rude thing to say about a person. I am a human being, you know...lowly _protozoan_." I say, flashing a knife out from my pocket. I am so used to this extraordinary routine by now.

Let me share a secret.

You see, dear reader-death seems to be both ironic and disgusting.

On the one hand, it's all fine and dandy that you get to live again, but you see, you don't even get to choose who you are reborn as. Sometimes, you _really_ get a bad sleight of hand. It's like Fate laughs at you as she chooses your next life, throws you down a chute, and screams, "Enjoy your new life!"

The man before me sneers and lifts up the stop sign, heaving it directly at me, screaming a very familiar word, not a word but a name. One, that you might just recognize.

"IIIIIZAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hm, what did he say? Let's listen again.

"What did I tell you, IIzaaayaaaa? Don't you listen, Izaya? I've told you-"

Izaya. What?

Don't look at me like that. It's a fine name, isn't it?

"BEFORE THAT I HATE YOUR GUTS, _ORIHARA IZAYA,_ SO DIE!"

Yep, that's who I am now. Like I said, I died, and I was reborn, in a universe I was quite familiar with-of all places, the universe of Durarara! But I wasn't reborn as anyone-nope, fate had to be ironic and reincarnate me as none other than Orihara freaking Izaya, the resident troll and villain of said universe.

I'm used to this mess by now.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, you're so predictable. You know, you're going to make yourself deaf one day. Such incessant screaming...aren't you tired of that?" I purr, dodging his childish maneuvers effortlessly. When you run for your life every single day, you tend to get quite used to human stupidity, especially coming from Shizuo.

And when half of the planet has it out for you simply because of who you are.

Yeah, I miss the days when I could roam freely without crazy bartenders trying to kill me.

But, distracting myself will not change the fact that- _Heiwajima Shizuo_ -is trying to kill me. Again.

I used to be an ordinary...girl. Yes, I used to be _a female_ , an ordinary girl, living life in the real world. Where anime was blissfully non-existent. Being reborn as a boy was quite jarring.

However, I'll talk about that, dear reader~, once I finish playing with Shizu-chan here and try to avoid an early grave. Again.

"IZAYYYA!" The oh-so-stupid protozoan screeches as he swings the stop sign at me, again. When will he learn that I've caught on to his tricks by now?

"...Shizu-chan, I'm over here," I said, brandishing my switchblade, "And look, now you've been slashed...again."

Even if I am Izaya now, one can't help but sometimes fall into insanity. Hey, if this new life makes you unhinged, it makes you unhinged. It wasn't like I would tell anyone the truth. No way they would believe that. I don't enjoy being evil, but it's the role.

I've changed a lot. But part of me is still the same.

"Damned pest...how dare you cut me!" He bellowed, as we started our chase, me in the lead. I ducked behind corners and threw myself over fences, smiling as he shouted curses at me.

"Not Orihara and Heiwajima again!" I heard someone cry.

"Thanks for the exercise, Shizu-chan! Try some Prozac for that temper, it might help!"

He scowled at me and attempted to punch me again, which I lazily dodged.

I didn't hate Shizuo, per se, not like the real did, but I did get annoyed by how he refused to believe Izaya could ever be a good person. How come people could believe Psyche and the Izaya alternates were good, but not Izaya? Hypocrites.

I came to the end of an alleyway. Shit, I was trapped. I whirled around in time to see Shizuo...dragging a vending machine with him.

I paled considerably. Not again...I was not going to die by a vending machine.

Yes, that's how I died in my past life.

Isn't that ironic?

"Die...flea!" He yelled, hurling it at me, only for it to be suspended in mid-air as a pair of shadows ensnared it.

My heart pounded faster. Oh yes, it was my favorite character...Celty. You know, before I'd been turned into the worst asshole on the face of the planet, she'd probably actually treat me like a human being.

I paused, watching as Celty set the vending machine down, and then her shadows ensnared both me and Shizuo, oblivious to our struggles.

'Shizuo, you're injured,' She wrote on her phone, as she let go of me, and approached Shizuo, ignoring me. I was used to this by now, pouting as a response, not happy that Celty was spurning me.

"...Damn that stupid flea. Why won't you let me kill him?" Shizuo cried.

"You're too pathetic to do so, Shizu-chan. Besides, get that hideous thing away from me."

"You'd better not be referring to Celty-"

"No, this," I said, pointing at the vending machine, "I _hate_ these things." I kicked it, making a dent in it.

Shizuo threw me a funny look, but said nothing, still frowning.

'Izaya, why do you cause trouble for Shizuo?' Celty wrote as Shizuo walked away, infuriated again at his botched attempt to kill me.

I shrugged my shoulders. What, because it was my role as the only villain on the show to cause chaos? I didn't necessarily enjoy hurting others-like Saki, that made me very sad but I tried hard not to show it.

"Shizu-chan was being a pain."

'You injured him,' Celty wrote.

"He's a monster. He heals fast." I said dismissively.

'...Izaya, you're lower than scum.'

That stung. "...I have feelings, you know, Celty. But I'm well-aware of that."

She tilted her helmet. 'Sometimes you act odd, Izaya. Are you going to cause more trouble?'

"Nope," I said, stifling a yawn, "I'm going home. By the way...Celty...do you believe in past lives?"

She tilted her helmet again. 'What do you mean?'

"Like reincarnation," I said absently.

'...Well, it could be possible. Why do you ask?'

"No reason. I was just curious. Ah, the wonders that humans believe. See you later, Celty!" I said cheerfully, but she stopped me.

'Are you going to cause more trouble?'

"...Now, now, not really. I'm interested in going home and going to bed. See you, Celty." I said, waving my hand as I left.

"Tch, that could've gone better," I mumbled in annoyance.

When I entered my apartment, Namie was there, grumbling over Mika and Seiji like usual.

"Hello, Namie-channn!" I said obnoxiously.

"...Great, you're back," Was her only response.

"Is someone on their period...?" I snarked.

"Shut up, Orihara, you wouldn't know about that stuff."

'Maybe I do,' I thought darkly before flopping down on my chair, booting up my laptop. "Shizu-chan's as annoying as ever."

"Don't you have a heart?" Namie snarked. Insulting me was her only pastime.

"Of course. Doesn't everyone? I'm not that bad of a person," I said softly.

She looked at me, perplexed by my sad look. "You're pathetic," She said, before she left me by myself.

"This is the part that sucks," I grumbled, spinning in my chair, "In my old life, I had lots of friends. Now I'm just Izaya, an informant. Alone."

As I did so, I turned my attention back to my cell phone, continuing where I'd left off, typing up the rest of my story quickly.

* * *

In my past life, I had been a female by the name of Lucia; just a college student who dreamed of becoming a writer and making a difference in society. I had been just an ordinary kid, with a snarky mouth, a tomboyish streak, and a habit of starting trouble. I was always somewhat of a troll.

I had loved watching anime, my favorites being Gundam, Magi, Naruto, Blue Exorcist, and of course, Durarara.

However, Izaya had been my least favorite character. I had hated his attitude and his egotism.

"Life is ironic, isn't it?" I mumbled, playing with my ring.

I had been an ordinary college student, with ordinary parents and a nice family. Not that my family now wasn't nice-if a bit eccentric, but I missed my old life badly. Back then, I'd had dear friends who cared about me. Back then, I wasn't a criminal fighting for his life all the time.

Oh, well, the past is the past, and it can't be changed.

So, like I said...my death in the past had been caused by a vending machine. Ironic, isn't it? How did a vending machine kill me, an ordinary kid and send me to this anime? Well, here's your answer.

It all started on an ordinary day on the college campus. An ordinary, hot summer, and then everything ended for me, Lucia. It was fortunately over very quick.

"Honestly, Lucia, you're _so slow_ ," My friend, Carmen said, keeping a close pace with my other friend, Iris. They were both very athletic, whereas I was not and very slow.

I rolled my eyes. "I'd kill for a drink right now." I mumbled as we headed to the vending machines, jingling our cash in our pockets.

"Dude, this reminds me of how Shizuo and Izaya fight." Carmen muttered as she put in her dollar bill and withdrew a Coke.

"Oh yeah, don't you think so, Lucia?" Iris asked, taking out a Dr. Pepper.

I fiddled around in my pockets for a few moments, pulling out a dollar bill and tucking my brown hair back with my fingers. "Yeah...though I hate Izaya. Can you _stop_ bringing him up?" I pushed my dollar bill into the machine and blinked when it didn't work. I pressed the button again.

Nothing came out.

"I think it's broken," I said, pushing it again. I reached inside it and tried to grab my drink.

"Lucia...forget about it and let's go!" Carmen urged.

"Maybe you should pretend it's Izaya and demand it gives you your drink! Kick it!" Iris said.

"You guys...stop." I growled, gritting my teeth. "I'm wasting a good five dollars here! I'll be damned if I let it take me from my drink!" I came closer to it, sticking my hand in it and trying to pull the drink out, then retracted my hand.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blew in our direction and the machine swayed, causing me to spin backwards as I landed on my back.

"Lucia, look out!" Carmen cried.

I barely had time to register...anything before I saw the stupid machine falling towards me...and then, it landed on me with a loud crash...and everything went black. I heard my friends scream my name and then silence.

'I'm dead...aren't I? Too bad...I could've lived a long life and now it's all over like this...' I thought darkly.

"You can live again,' A new voice said, distinctly male.

I turned around, in time to see my favorite character standing near me, was it...Jack Vessalius? He looked at me and smirked. It was him, the long blond ponytail and green eyes were unmistakable.

"You can live again, Lucia. Rebirth is a possibility. If you're reborn, you can see them again. However, it's not likely things will turn out like you want."

"What do you mean?" I cried. "I want to live again."

Jack smirked, extending his gloved hand. "...Like how Oz and Alice got their happy ending, you can achieve yours...a certain world is calling to you. A world you love so much. However, do not expect your destiny to be easy. Your new life will be...quite different from your old. Are you prepared for that risk?"

A glowing light surrounded me as he touched my arm.

"Of course!" I cried, as suddenly everything went black.

I heard him whisper, "Good luck...Lucia, or shall I say...soon to be... _Izaya_? Let's see how she reacts to this.'

* * *

Of course, at the time I didn't question why on earth a manga character had been standing before me. I was dead, okay? And in all retrospect, why would I trust Jack's words? I was too busy fangirling, I guess.

Darkness enveloped me. I could not move, no matter how hard I tried. Then, a bright, blinding light overtook me, and suddenly I could see again.

Where was I?

I was suddenly lifted into the air by someone...how could they lift me? Was it a paramedic?

It was a woman with dark hair, smiling at me gently. Was she...Asian?

She was speaking Japanese. But oddly enough, I understood it.

"...Here is your newborn baby, Mrs. Orihara Kyouko." A male voice said.

Baby? Newborn? I blinked in confusion, trying to process my surroundings, but the lights were so bright and...I really couldn't move. Trying to move made me feel like jelly. What was happening here? Was I being experimented on by aliens?

I attempted to speak, but all that came out of my lips was a wail. A wail? What the hell?

The lady put her face near mine, and touched my chin.

"Hello there, my son. You look just like your mommy. You have such pretty red eyes, like me. But you have the hair of your father, too." She was touching me and raking her hands through my hair.

Someone call the police, this kidnapper is trying to harass me! Get your hands off me, lady! Hands off!

All I did was wail instead. Every time I tried to open my mouth, I could not speak.

'Baby...what the fuck is this woman going on about? I'm not a baby, and I'm definitely not a boy. I'm a college student, woman.'

My gaze went down to my fingers. When were my fingers so small, short and tiny? My stomach was smaller, my head felt bigger than I remembered it being and strands of curly dark hair rested near my eyes.

I continued bawling, totally confused and scared. Was I really a baby?

"Oh, did we scare him? I'm sorry! What should we name him?" The woman said, turning to her husband.

God, why was everyone so huge? Had I shrunken?

 _Holy shit. I was a baby._

What the hell.

I fell asleep from exhaustion, so I didn't hear this little snippet of dialogue.

"...I think Orihara...how about Orihara Izaya? That sounds like a good name for him."

Several months later, I was still stuck in a crib, teething, and learning how to walk. Stuck wearing diapers, being breastfed. Which I hated. It was boring, not to mention utterly annoying.

"Come here, my son. It's time for bathtime."

Son? I was still convinced that this woman was crazy. I was a female, no matter if I was a baby. I pouted, folding my arms.

"...Now, now, we can't have you acting that way, Iza-chan!"

Iza-chan was what she called me often, so I found myself wondering if my name was a name like Isabel or Isabella. Iza-chan sounded feminine enough. Did the Japanese like names like Isabel or Isabella, though?

I was lifted out of the crib, pouting as I did so.

"Now, now, Iza-chan, relax. Bath time is fun."

I shook my head no, in defiance. She patted my head and got me undressed, and placed me in the bathtub, surrounded by toys. To a normal baby, this would be fun, but to an adult in a baby's body, this bored me. I shook my head as she washed my hair and lathered me up with soap.

"Now, honey, be careful. We have to be especially careful to not get your wee-wee all covered in soap. It's a delicate part of your body, right, honey? Mommy doesn't understand that, since she's not a boy like you are-"

Wait, what did she just say? Wee-wee?

I watched as she lathered me, and then I glanced down at my legs as I sat in the water, and let out a cry. For what I saw between my legs was _not_ a lady part at all...it was...it was...

 _A penis. I had a_ _ **penis.**_

I shook my head, praying that it was a dream.

But the penis was still there the next time I looked.

I was...I was a _boy._

Reeling from this horrifying discovery, I cried again.

"Iza-chan, relax! You're going to get your hair washed, now be a man and stop crying. Come on."

As she dried me off and dressed me back up, I stared at my new appendage in horror. Why was I a male now? This was awkward, why hadn't fate let me know this important fact?

"Iza-kun, you know...you'll be able to talk soon. Tell mama what your first word is." She said as she had me downstairs, in my high chair.

This was embarrassing as hell.

I shook my head in defiance.

"Already so smart. Come on. Tell me what your first word is...Iza-kun."

"Yes, come on, Iza-kun, tell Daddy." My father said.

Iza-kun?

"Come on, won't you tell mommy what your first word is...? Izaya-kun, what's wrong? Are you not feeling well?" She said, feeling my forehead, "Does wittle Izaya-kun have a fever?"

I froze. What had she just said? She had to be kidding, right? Yeah, it's just a coincidence.

"...Earth to my little son, Izaya-kun! Are you all right, _Izaya_? Don't you know your own name, Izaya-kun?" She said teasingly, prodding me.

Dread was filling my heart now as I stared up at her, eyes wide.

Did she just say what I thought she had said?

"...Izaya-kun, you have a spot of food on your face. Let Mommy wipe it off for you." She said, turning my high chair toward the mirror on the wall so I could see where she was wiping me off at. As she put the napkin against my face, I stared into the mirror, and my eyes widened as I took in my reflection.

A dark-haired woman with auburn eyes was standing over me. But that wasn't the shocking thing. A tiny young boy sat in a high chair. But...that face... _I knew that face._

Strands of raven hair hung in the baby boy's face, his hair it was quite pointed and spiky. He had pale skin and an angular face. But the boy looking back at me had bright red eyes. _Black hair...red eyes? My god..._

I knew that face too well.

I turned to face my mother.

"...Izaya-kun...Izaya? What's your first word as part of the Orihara family?"

I couldn't speak. I froze, dropping my spoon out of my hands where it clattered on the floor.

The little black-haired boy in the mirror...that was...Izaya. _Izaya Orihara._

But Izaya was...Izaya was a _fictional_ character. A fictional character in Durarara.

I looked around for Izaya, but when I turned back around, baby Izaya was still staring back at me. I examined my hands, noticing Izaya doing the same. My hair was black.

In other words... **I** was _**Izaya Orihara**_?

"Izaya?"

"...I'm tired." I said.

"You're tired? Those are your first words, Iza-kun?" She said, scooping me up and taking me to my crib, heedless of my babbling on.

"...Mama, I'm not tired...I'm not...Izaya...not me..."

"Of course you're my son, Izaya!" She teased.

Well, wasn't this grand.

I wasn't just reborn as any kid. I was Izaya _fucking_ Orihara.

The life ahead of me looked so grand.

An informant, a sociopath. Oh yeah, and I'll have freaking vending machines hurled at me.

This looks great.

Being Izaya wasn't all that bad.

At least, until I got to high school, then it got unbearable.

Even walking through the door to school was a pain in the ass.

"Hey, look, it's Orihara."

"Stay away from him, he's a bad guy."

"He's kinda cute."

"Don't you know when to shut your mouths?" I hissed, causing them to freeze.

Stupid teenagers. I gritted my teeth as I headed to my class.

Although, the worst part about being a boy...was in going to the wrong bathroom.

"It's hot as hell..." I muttered, as I headed to the girls' room, prepared to change for gym class.

I pushed the door open.

Then I realized...there were girls, in nothing but bras and skirts...talking and laughing.

I realized my mistake as I got a nosebleed and stared at them, wide-eyed.

"Orihara's kinda cute, at least he's not a jerk-"

The girls froze as they took in me standing there.

It was then that it registered on me that I was a guy now.

"KYAAAA! THERE'S A BOY IN HERE! PERVERT!" The girls shrieked, throwing their hairbrushes at me as I dodged, my face beet red.

"It was a mistake, girls, I swear!"

WHAP!

A purse hit me on the head.

"This violence is unnecessary!" I protested as they threw more things at me.

"GET OUT, ORIHARA! TO THINK I LIKED YOU, YOU'RE A PERVERT!"

I smirked. "A pervert, am I?" I said, holding up one of their purses and dumping it out. "...There's some neat stuff in here."

I spotted a cell phone. "Ooh, nice. I think I'll take it, maybe stomp on it?"

"ORIHARA, GIVE IT BACK!"

"All right," I said, putting everything back and throwing it in her direction. Only I miscalculated my aim and hit her in the face.

"Whoops, sorry~my mistake," I said sarcastically as I charged out the door.

"ORIHARA IZAYA, YOU'RE SO DEAD!" The crowd of girls behind me screamed as I ran for my life into the boys' locker room.

The boys couldn't stop laughing. The boys actually started hanging out with me more.

But it was in high school that I met Shizuo.

And all went to hell, no doubt.

Why, oh why did things have to play out like canon?

"This is Shizuo-kun. Shizuo, I'd like you to meet my friend. He's a bit of an asshole."

Yawn. Boring canon dialogue.

"...Shinra, that's mean," I pouted.

"Well, it's the truth," He said.

"I'm Izaya Orihara, pleasure to meet you, Shizu-chan. You're so strong...it's so interesting." I extended my hand out, intending to befriend him. I mean, I didn't want to fight him. Are you kidding me? I liked Shizuo's character. Wouldn't it be nice to have a story where Izaya and Shizuo are just friends?

I shipped Shizaya, too, but that had nothing to do with it.

Even if I'm Izaya, it doesn't mean I _have_ to be a douchebag.

He didn't accept my hand. He glared at me.

"...I don't like you. You piss me off."

"...Is that so? And here I was being nice, Shizu-chan." I said, shrugging my shoulders as a smile danced on my face.

"Stop calling me that! My name is Shizuo!" He screamed, charging at me.

Any ordinary person would be terrified.

But I was aware of what would come next, as I lazily dodged. Thank god I was more athletic now. I whipped out my blade in boredom, attacking Shizuo. The act saddened me. I really didn't want to hurt him.

But he had chosen to hate me first. So, was it okay to embrace this role?

I barely registered what I'd done until I saw blood pouring from a cut on Shizuo's shirt. I froze, looking shocked. Why had I done that?

"You bastard!" He snarled.

I didn't know what to say for a few moments, until I found my voice, acting so callous and high and mighty was unlike me. Yet, it seemed to come naturally. It scared me.

"...See, we're having fun now, aren't we...Shizu-chan?" I said, coldly, smirking as I did so. Why did this feel so right and yet wrong at the same time?

"Izaya, stop!" Shinra cried.

But the fight began.

Ah, yes, classic times, classic times.

As I continued my work, I paused when I remembered that I had to see someone today.

Someone who hated me very much.

Who didn't hate Izaya?

The doorbell rang, and a blond kid stood there, glaring at me.

"Hello, Masaomi-kun," I said sarcastically.

He glared at me as he pushed past me. "Hello, Izaya. I didn't want to come here."

"Yet you came here anyway." I snarked, causing his face to flush red.

Teasing Masaomi was always so fun.


	2. Chapter 2 Stop and Stare

**A/N:My writing teacher thinks fanfiction isn't legit writing and accused me of plagiarism when I wrote one. Bullshit. Let's all show her that fanfiction counts as legitimate art and freedom of expression! Fuck her. My fanfiction is writing, no matter what you say.**

 **""Isn't it funny.I'm enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you, changes its mind. But hatred, now, that's something you can use. Sculpt. Wield. It's hard, or soft, however you need it. Love humiliates you, but Hatred cradles you."**

― **Janet Fitch, White Oleander**

 **""Love taught me to die with dignity that I might come forth anew in splendor. Born once of flesh, then again of fire, I was reborn a third time to the sound of my name humming haikus in heaven's mouth."**

― **Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams**

 **Chapter 2 Adjusting to a new life**

* * *

 **Flashbacks**

So I was Izaya Orihara now. I sat on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, swinging my tiny feet over the side. It was weird being so small and tiny. I was only seven years old, and school was as boring as ever-but it was extra intimidating being short again. I dreaded going through it all again-but why did I have to be reborn as a guy?

"I'm so used to being a girl that this whole being a guy thing is totally alien to me," I remarked in Japanese, ignoring that my voice sounded high-pitched and ridiculous. Speaking Japanese seemed to come naturally now-but I could still speak English, it was just writing the characters itself that was hard to me.

Oh, my parents had noticed how intelligent I was, and that I could read at an early age. They called me precocious and a genius. Little did they know it was just having lived another life that gave me all that knowledge. They had me reading all kinds of books before I knew it.

They also tried some of that 'making friends and socializing' bullshit. Time to interact with boys and possibly get into a fight! Yay. I had been comfortable around boys as a little girl, but when I was older, I had felt more awkward and nervous, possibly because of puberty.

But now, being a guy, how was I supposed to feel about girls? I still thought of myself as a female, mentally, at least. But the more I aged, the less I really remembered about being female. I remembered my friends and wondered how they were feeling about my death.

"They must miss me," I grumbled, rolling over-and landing on the floor with a loud thump. I had misjudged my clumsy child legs. Damn it, growing pains hurt like hell. I let out a curse as I got back up.

The door burst open and in came Mrs. Orihara. Overprotective wasn't the right word...it was more like smothering, to be honest. Sure, my new mom and dad worked a lot, but they still tried to make time for me. At least, they did until my little sisters came around.

"...Izaya, are you all right? What happened?"

I sniffled. It did hurt. "...Hurt my toe."

"Oh, you poor boy. Let me see it."

Being babied was irritating as hell, but what could I do. I puffed my cheeks out. "I'm not a boy."

"Yes, you are. You're a man, then."

I shook my head defiantly. "I'm a grown up!" I said.

"You're seven. That's old. You'll start to get gray hairs!" She said, patting my head.

I pouted, irritated at being talked down to, but what could I do?

The next day, the second day of elementary school started. I hid behind my mother's legs, still reluctant to go to school and deal with the nightmare all over again. I now knew how Conan Edogawa from Detective Conan felt when he felt utter contempt for children.

"Come on, Izaya-kun, go say hi."

I refused. She nudged me and pushed me out.

I swallowed and said goodbye before hurrying to my seat and ignored all the stares directed at me.

"Why are his eyes red?"

"He's kinda cute."

"I don't want him sitting next to me. Weirdo."

I looked around for a seat. A boy snickered at me and tripped me.

I got back up, glaring. I was not going to put up with this shit. "Fuck you."

The boy stared at me as though I had grown two heads. "You're not supposed to use bad words!"

I smirked. "Well, you're not supposed to hurt others, right? Someone sure is insecure."

The boy blushed. "Teacher, he said a bad word!" He said before pointing at me. I was already looking at my book in boredom, pretending to be studying, looking completely innocent.

In my past life as a girl, I'd been bullied by boys, had rubber bands flung at me, called names for liking anime and manga and not being lady-like. The girls in junior high had been particularly cruel, gossiping about me and making sure I'd had no friends.

Being Izaya now made things ten thousand times worse. I knew that by the time I was in junior high or high school, people would be trying to kill me. Assassins, informants, gangsters, Masaomi, Mikado, Aoba, Masaomi, Shizuo, Shizuo, Vorona, Vorona, Anri, Simon, Masaomi, Izumii, and did I mention Shizuo?

"Oh, you mean Orihara-kun? I think you're lying. Orihara-san, did you do anything to him?"

I gave my most innocent smile. "No, Sensei, he tripped me and called me a weirdo. I didn't do anything."

She advanced on the other boy, who was extremely pale.

At recess, I was eating my lunch when the other boy came up to me and punched me right in the face.

I fell backwards, not expecting that at all. Why were boys so violent? At least the girls hadn't shoved me into lockers or beaten me up.

I rubbed my swollen jaw, glaring at the other.

"This is for being a tattle-tale, Orihara. More like Onihara! You're a demon!" He taunted.

The other children joined in.

I got back up and started to laugh, until I was laughing at them, which caused them to stop.

"What's wrong with you, Onihara?" The other taunted, shoving me backwards.

I smiled and advanced on him.

"...Nothing's wrong with me. I just realized that you are so insecure that you use your lack of masculinity as an excuse to push others around. You're so puerile and childish it hurts. That's why you can't hurt me." I said.

He tried to comprehend what I'd said, but instead charged at me and threw a punch.

I dodged. I'd been taught some karate by my father. I wasn't that good at it yet, but I wanted to try it out.

Sometimes in this new life, you have to get your hands dirty.

I beat a kid up for the first time.

It hurt, I was covered in bruises, and in trouble from my parents.

But I was pleased. I had proven something.

The next day, the little shit didn't bother me. Instead, he bothered others.

Not that I cared. I just did my work and pretended to be stupid.

School passed by and before I knew it, I was approaching puberty.

Male puberty was freaking awkward.

My voice kept on changing, which was embarrassing as all hell. Second, facial hair is not pleasant, trust me. Then there's the added joy of getting...erections. Oh, yeah and I thought my periods were unpleasant enough!

I leaned over on my desk, bored. The droning of the teacher was enough to make me pass out from boredom. So I did and fell asleep.

Only for a sharp voice to wake me up right away.

"Orihara Izaya, wake up right now!"

I shot up. Being a thirteen-year-old was awkward.

I heard a laugh from beside me. I turned in time to see a...oh my god, was that Kadota Kyohei? It was. He was just staring at me with distaste on his face. He already hated me.

Great. I just have that aura, don't I?

It was a girl with short brown hair who had laughed at me. She passed a note in my direction.

'You're cute. I love your smile and how you are a smart aleck. My name is Mikage and here's my phone number. You're strong at fights, how would you like to train at my family dojo? You're so hot, Izaya."

I blushed as I read over it. This was awkward. The idea of me dating a girl was freaking weird.

During lunch, I decided to talk to Kadota.

The second I moved toward him, he turned away.

"Go away, Izaya. You're a bad kid."

"That's not very nice, you don't even know me that well." I said with a tinge of annoyance present. Ever since my sisters had been born, for some reason kids kept on picking on me.

Kadota glared. "You're a smart ass in class, you think you're better than the rest of us. You're a bad person, Izaya. Go away-"

"Shut the hell up!" Mikage cried. "Izaya's better than you think he is!"

I stared with wide eyes. Here I thought Mikage hated Izaya? Was history changing?

"Don't worry about them. They're just idiots." She said as she squeezed my hand. "I want to be your girlfriend."

Holy shit, this early? Why me?

* * *

Mikage and I did date for a few years, until I turned fifteen and started getting involved with information and becoming a bit more delinquent. She started distancing herself from me.

"Mikage-chan, hello!" I said, walking over to her locker.

She ignored me and continued down the hallway.

My eyes widened in hurt.

"Mikage-chan, what's up with the tsundere tendencies? Are you mad at me?" I asked.

She whirled around and slapped me. In front of everyone.

"...You're scum. I saw you fighting some gangsters. Aren't you better than that, Izaya? I can't believe I fell for you! You're just a manipulative jerk!"

I stared at her, wide-eyed. I had just lost the only friend I had in this life.

"I don't understand what you're talking about, Mikage-chan. I could never hurt you, I care about you a lot. You must be a bit sleepy or something," I said, rubbing my cheek.

"Don't come near me, you jerk! You scumbag!" She cried, turning away from me and running away, crying.

"Wow, that was cold. He got dumped. Sorry, man," A fellow classmate said.

"...Women, they're crazy," I mumbled.

"Mikage is a crazy one," Another said.

I nodded my head. It hurt losing her.

Mikage had taught me so much, in this life where I was vilified and had never been so alone before in my life. It was suddenly easy to see why Izaya had slipped into villainy. It was to save himself from being hurt by others.

A few days passed by. I was in a trance, having cried myself to sleep before deciding I'd get revenge on her.

"Iza-nii okay?" Little Kururi asked, tugging on my hand, looking at me with innocent eyes.

Mairu disliked me from the second she met me. Kururi, on the other hand, couldn't get enough of her big brother.

"...Remember Mikage?" I asked softly.

"Mikage-onee-chan! She's so nice!" Kururi chirped.

"...We can't see her anymore." I said.

Her lip trembled.

"Why not? Is she mad at Iza-nii?" Kururi asked. "I want to tell her to not be a meanie."

I smiled and hugged her. "She's changed. She thinks I'm a bad guy, and things between us have changed." I tried to hide it, but tears came from my eyes anyway.

"Iza-nii is stupid-" Mairu cried, but she stopped upon seeing me cry. "Iza-nii, who hurt you? I the only one who hurts Iza-nii!" Her pudgy little five-year-old fingers wiped my tears away.

"...I'm sorry for being so weak. You shouldn't have to see your brother so weak."

In a rare case of solidarity, Mairu hugged me. "...Mikage-chan is stupid. Iza-nii is an idiot, but he's our idiot. We're the only ones allowed to hurt him."

I smiled and nodded. Sometimes, being an older sibling wasn't so bad.

Then things changed. I was suddenly an outcast for having hurt Mikage.

"Avoid Orihara Izaya, he's associated with gangs, I heard."

A girl looked at me fearfully as I walked down the hallway.

"I can hear you, you know," I said, walking over to her, smiling. I whipped out a knife and pointed it at her. I'd had to carry a weapon on me now to prevent myself from being beaten up by both goons and idiotic school kids.

"Get away from me, you pervert." She screeched.

"Oh, Miki-chan, if you don't want your boyfriend knowing that you cheated on him, you'd better forget about spreading lies about me. I have all the footage right here," I said, holding up my camera.

She paled. "N-No, please, I don't want him to know. I don't want someone like you being here! You're evil!" She cried.

"Oh, Kyousuke-kun...I thought you might want to see these!" I said, calling out to her boyfriend.

He looked torn apart as he saw the photos. It was somehow so amusing that I laughed at the sight.

"It's hard to deny your guilt, right? You're pathetic, Miki-chan, making yourself look like the victim when you committed the crime. Don't you think he has a right to be upset? I really hate humans like you. You're unworthy of being called a human. Drown in your own self-pity. Enjoy your time with your ex boyfriend!" I said, before waving sarcastically and walking away.

I paused. I just ridiculed someone else. It felt...good.

No, I didn't want to think that way. I could be Izaya and not be a bad guy.

I was changing, and not in a good way, either. I cursed and hit the wall with my fist.

"You might not want to do that, you know, you'll damage school property," A new voice said. I jumped.

A brown-haired boy with glasses stood there...oh god, it was Shinra. He looked so weird.

"Why would you care?" I snapped.

"I know who you are, you're Orihara Izaya-kun, school outcast and informant, right? You're not part of any clubs and you have no friends-" Shinra said.

"Pardon me, but I'm not a fan of someone dissecting my life apart," I said icily.

"Sorry, I just find it fascinating how you keep on living with everyone hating you. My one friend is like you, everyone is afraid of him. I'm Shinra Kishitani. Would you like to be my friend?"

I stared at him and laughed. "You're even more foolish than I thought. I love humans, but I don't make friends. It's a sign of weakness. Associating with me will only bring trouble, you realize?" I said, swinging my schoolbag around.

"...It's just an offer. I don't really care what you decide. I just need someone to talk to about my precious Celty!"

Celty had been my favorite character. But she would probably hate me, too.

"Fine," I grumbled.

So Shinra and I became friends...well, kind of. It was more like I just listened to him ramble about Celty and how amazing she was. It got boring fast. But since the guy was the only person who didn't see me as a jerk, I kept him.

"...So she has no head?" I remarked. "Fascinating."

"I know, right?" Shinra said, "It's amazing. Oh, I almost forgot, Izaya...remember our classmate, Nakura-kun? He said he had to meet us for something."

Nakura...why did that name sound familiar?

My heart stopped in my chest.

I knew what was going to happen here.

Nakura, the little coward, was going to attempt to kill me.

"Nakura-kun, what brings you here?" I said lightly. 'Bring it on, coward,' I thought.

"I can't do it anymore, Orihara! Die!" Nakura cried, charging at me.

"That's pretty dumb of you," I said, whipping out my knife lazily before preparing to dodge.

But then history repeated itself.

"Izaya!"

Blood.

Shinra fell.

"Shinra!" I cried.

Nakura ran out like the coward he was.

"Izaya, are you all right?" Shinra asked.

It was bizarre. Durarara had merely been a fictional world, but now it was part of my reality.

"...Yes, but Nakura won't be. Say that I stabbed you, Shinra." I said, gripping my switchblade tightly.

Why did my life have to suck so bad?

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

* * *

"Earth to Izaya!"

A familiar blond was staring at me in annoyance. "Did you even hear a word of what I just said? I'm worried about Mikado."

"Oh, sorry, Masaomi-kun, just thinking about things. Mikado-kun is in a gang, you know."

His eyes widened. "What? Don't lie, Izaya!"

"Nope, he's in the Dollars."

"DAMMIT, I TOLD HIM NOT TO!"

"He's not just part of it, he's the leader." I purred, dialing his phone number.

"You're not going to call Mikado now, are you?" Masaomi whimpered.

"Let's watch the show start!" I chirped.

"Izaya, you asshole." Masaomi groaned before answering his phone.


	3. Chapter 3 life hates me i hate life

A/N: I know my muse is a bit...not like what you expect, right? She's a bit twisted, a bit unconventional, but when you spend so long a time as Izaya Orihara, you start getting consumed in his madness, okay? I've had a lot of problems lately in my real life.

I've been losing online friends like crazy, and my schoolwork has been driving me over the edge.

So yeah, it might be a tad angsty, but it's freaking Durarara. If you were Iza, your life would suck, too. Flashback land, yayz.

* * *

Chapter 3 Gangsters after me, Shingen, little sisters...just pass me the damned coffee already!

-Dream Mode-

 _"Lucia! Lucia!"_

 _I jolted my head up off my desk in time to see my teacher staring at me._

 _"Did you turn your assignment in on time?"_

 _I flinched. "Ah, what was it about?"_

 _"You were supposed to go around the campus and figure out what the number one thing girls like is! You were supposed to cover fashion! What did you discover?" She said menacingly._

 _Instantly, I gulped and handed her my report, shakily._

 _"Uh, most girls said they didn't like shitty fashion sense, like dresses..." I said nervously._

 _"I see," She said imperiously, "You said half of them like wearing dresses."_

 _"Yeah?" I said, I was that kind of girl._

 _"And the other half would rather die than wear dresses."_

 _I flinched, I was not one of those kinds of people._

 _But it was true that as a kid, I'd been a total tomboy. Now I was just embracing everything about being a girl. Except for periods._

 _Yeah, if I met Mother Nature in person, I'd punch her hard in the face._

 _"What else?" She said, imperiously._

 _"What?" I said nervously._

 _"What do you mean what?" She said._

 _"Do I get points?"_

 _"This paper was due two weeks ago," The teacher said to me._

 _"I left it at my boyfriend's house," I said, which was the truth. We'd gone to a party, gotten drunk and then forgotten about it. College students; perfect people, not necessarily. I'd wound up having to go back and get it._

 _"Lucia, you should think about studying more," Carmen scolded me. Iris nodded in assent._

 _"Yeah, I know," I said._

 _"Come to think of it, I've been watching Black Butler, Magi, and Durarara, and it seems like Izaya gets hurt in almost every one!" Carmen said cheerily._

 _The effect was instantaneous. I smiled at her. "The idea of Izaya suffering makes my day. He's the worst human on the planet. But they do go a bit overboard with it."_

 _"I like Izaya!" Iris said, "If anything, I hate Aoba."_

 _"Aoba's a sinnamon roll!" Carmen argued._

 _As they argued, I ate my food, before I noticed that something was weird._

 _For starters, why were Carmen and Iris suddenly so far away from me?_

 _I tried to reach out to them, but couldn't._

 _It was like they were looking at a different person entirely._

 _"Where's Lucia?" They asked, "Oh, nice cosplay." They said, and suddenly both of my friends walked away. Naturally, this freaked me out._

 _"What the hell?" I said._

 _I barely even had time to continue walking after them before the sound of cracking metal could be heard. Part of the building had been broken off and someone was swinging it around with all their might._

 _"IZAAAYAAAAAAA."_

 _Huh? What was Shizuo doing in my dream?_

 _What was he even doing on my college campus?_

 _"Shizuo," I muttered, but my voice sounded weird._

 _"Izaya," He hissed._

 _I looked around._

 _"Don't try to look anywhere else, flea, I know it's you." He snarled._

 _The second Shizuo threw the piece of the building at me, I ran and ran and ran._

 _What was I gonna do, tell my friends that Shizuo Heiwajima is chasing me?_

 _The odds of that are unlikely._

 _The odd thing was was that no one else seemed to notice Shizuo's existence._

 _Instead, the more I looked, the more I saw odd things...like Celty, and Tom Tanaka, shaking his head._

 _Righhhhttt, when were anime characters real people? This was getting bizarre._

 _Everyone kept on calling me Izaya._

 _How bizarre was that?_

 _I passed by a store window and froze. Why was Izaya Orihara my reflection?_

 _I was caught, Shizuo was right near me._

 _"Shizuo...?" I muttered, "Please don't do this, Shizu-chan?" I whimpered._

 _"Die, Izaya!" He cried, as he picked up a vending machine and threw it at me and then all I knew was blackness._

* * *

The next thing I knew, I was awake in bed. I looked over at the familiar-looking, cutesie girly plushie figures that had fallen on the floor when I'd kicked them off and sighed. I knew who those belonged to.

My black hair fell in my eyes as I realized, oh wait, that wasn't a dream. Being sixteen years old again sucked, especially when you were once a girl _but now a guy._

Especially when you were _Izaya **fucking** Orihara._

"Oh, those must be the twins' plushies," I mumbled, annoyed that my little sisters had again left their stuff in my room. "Thank god they're at the rational age."

Two knocks at my door confirmed it.

 _They_ were up.

"Iza-nii! Iza-nii!"

I glanced over at the clock. It was two in the morning.

"What?" I grumbled, climbing out of my bed and opening the door, long having gotten used to being Izaya to the point where I wanted to scream.

Suddenly, the door opened and two blurs clung to my legs.

"Get off," I said sharply, "You're probably planning something, aren't you, Mairu?"

"Iza-nii, I'd never hurt my brother." She said, but immediately I noticed the pair of tacks in her hands and snatched them away from her.

" _Where_ did you get those?" I asked.

"Dad left them lying around." She quipped.

Sneaky girl-and only six years old.

I sighed.

"Want...teddy bears," Kururi whispered.

"These are Kuu-chan's!" Mairu said, snatching the bears off the bed. "Iza-nii stole them!"

"I did not steal them, you left them here yourselves. Deal with it."

"Iza-nii's being mean! Is Iza-nii going through puberty?"

I jumped. "Who told you that load of nonsense?"

"Puberty is when boys and girls go through all kinds of weird things, that's what Mom told us!"

"Mom shouldn't be telling you that stuff. You're way too young to know about it." I said.

"Iza-nii, she said in a few years we'll know exactly what it feels like." Mairu said, "But you wouldn't understand how girls feel, because you're a boy."

"What if I said I do understand?" I said.

Upon seeing their confused stares, I must have suggested that anime wasn't real.

"Mikage-chan told me," I said in defeat.

"Oh," They said, as though that explained everything.

These two were definitely something else.

Surely, Mom and Dad would come home soon to look after them.

* * *

Morning dawned, I came downstairs, yawning and stretching.

Drowsily, I came toward the fridge, prepared to have my daily bowl of cereal with some sushi, and also making some breakfast for the girls.

That was when I noticed the note posted on the fridge.

"Dear Izaya,

Our plans to stay here somehow became a lot longer than we expected.

Therefore, we expect you to take care of Mairu and Kururi for the next two weeks.

Below is a list of all their favorite foods you can get them.

We love you, son!

Signed, Mom and dad!"

"Sure you do," I said sarcastically. Really, why was I forced to babysit all the time?

Because I'm Izaya Orihara and my life sucks.

"And some people say they can still hear Izaya crying over how much his life sucks," I said.

Immediately, the sounds of things falling down the stairs could be heard. Oh shit.

Instantly, older sibling mode clicked in.

Whenever you're in this kind of household, it's like the Addams Family times 10.

"Iza-nii, Mairu threw my stuff!" Kururi complained.

"Mom and Dad are gone for two weeks," I said.

"They don't want us, do they?" Mairu said.

"Nope," I said, "And I know why?"

"Hey," Mairu said, "We're the perfect daughters, that's what Mom tells us!"

"She only does it to suck up to you," I said, "Because, secretly..."

"Secretly...what?" Mairu said.

"Because secretly, _they've been replaced by aliens from outer space!_ " I said wickedly.

"Aliens?" Mairu whimpered, "Oh no, aliens are real!"

"Yes, remember Invasion of the Body Snatchers?" I asked.

She nodded her head furiously, having seen it the other day.

"Remember how the aliens wander out? They make themselves look like the same person, but they have this dark, lifeless look in their eyes." I said, stepping towards them, "Who knows, perhaps the space pod people are on their way here, to get two rowdy little kids, who don't go to kindergarten and do their work!"

"Ah, our parents are replaced by aliens!" Mairu cried.

"Iza-nii lying," Kururi said.

"It was just a practical joke," I said.

Suddenly, I had a bunch of tacks thrown at me.

"It was just a joke!" I cried.

Dammit, I tried to get the kids to have fun for a second and now I'm the bad guy again?

Oh.

"Iza-nii, what is this stuff?" Mairu said, drinking out of my coffee cup.

Oh no, kids should _not_ be given caffeine.

Instantly, I snatched it from her. "It's not for kids."

"You mean like beer?" She said.

My mouth fell open. "How do you-"

"Daddy brings it home and there's funny juice," Kururi said, jolting about.

"Kururi, what have you been doing this entire time?" I said.

"Drinking this stuff," She said.

"No more," I said, "Now, Kururi, you are not allowed to touch this stuff."

Upon seeing her give me a puppy-eyed look, I felt like the worst person in the world.

I couldn't be letting my little sisters get high on caffeine now, could I?

Suddenly my cell phone rang.

"Who the hell could that be?" I said to myself, as Kururi and Mairu were getting themselves something to eat, "I don't have any friends, oh wait..."

Upon examining the number, I frowned. 'Should I answer?'

No...I'd probably have to listen to _'Celty is so good, Celty is so great, Celty is everything! Oh, how are you, Izaya? Blah, blah, blah.'_

Nope. I closed the phone and let it ring, letting it go to my voicemail, which said, "I'm Izaya Orihara, worst person in the world and Shizu-chan hates me. Leave a message if you really feel like it, and please, no Shizu-chans allowed anywhere near my phone or my house. Oh, and Shinra, if you call _again_ at three in the morning to ramble about Celty, I'm cutting all ties with you."

Then Shinra's voice: "Izaya, are you alive? Awake! I don't want you to be late to school, why wouldn't you answer? Call me back, you need to hear about what Celty did today!"

"How about no?" I grumbled in annoyance, deleting the message.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang again.

I flipped the phone open. I didn't recognize the number.

I made the mistake of answering.

"Hello?"

"ARE YOU IZAYA ORIHARA?"

I flinched, I recognized that voice.

"K-Karisawa?" I muttered.

"Kyaaa, you answered! Is Shizuo Heiwajima over there with you?"

I nearly dropped the phone. "No, why on earth would he be over here?"

"You see, you didn't answer, so I thought maybe you were engaging in...Shizaya love!"

" _Where_ on earth would you _even_ come up with that _insane_ bullshit?" I said as I plopped a piece of sushi in my mouth.

"Oh, you know, the way you two-"

"Fight and try to kill each other? In what language does that translate to love?" I said sarcastically.

"My language," She purred.

"Don't listen to anything she's saying!" Kadota said.

"Shut up, Dota-chin, you don't believe in the power of Shizaya, but I believe in it!"

Immediately, I closed the phone.

"No way," I said.

Sure, as a girl, I'd liked Shizaya, but the idea of me now...doing anything...like...like that, with Shizuo...meant Shizuo would kill me.

The mental image of it made me want to puke.

No way.

I mean, I was still kinda attracted to guys, but...Shizuo? No, no, no, I was half afraid he'd kill me with a vending machine!

"Iza-nii, you're making the sandwich wrong!" Mairu scolded as I left my breakfast half-finished, deciding to stop for sushi instead after I'd dropped the pain-in-the-ass twins off at school.

"Sorry," I said tersely.

Of course, going to high school, who can forget...when you're running for your life almost every single day? That was why I always carried that knife around.

I glanced around hurriedly.

"How can I find Shinra without Shizuo coming to kill me?" I muttered. 'Face it, Izaya, you're screwed! Always screwed, no matter what!'

I cursed out loud and kicked a nearby vending machine...hard, which made my leg ache. I flipped it off.

"Screw this destiny," I growled, "Why couldn't I have been like, Sakura Haruno, or I don't know, Haruhi Fujioka? Why Izaya?"

'Because life hates you,' My conscience whispered.

Sure, I made deals with gangsters, but I could kick their asses.

Best of all, no more periods to deal with once a month. I was so glad I didn't alter the universe and make Izaya a girl, that'd be too fucking awkward.

Still...

I looked around, and sped off, hurrying to school, when I swore I'd seen a familiar head of blond hair heading down the same path I was. Unlike usual, I _did not want to run into Shizuo_. Of course, he'd see it as me being a 'flea bastard.'

I took the other way.

 _Shizuo was there, too._

Cursing mentally, I turned around, pressing through the crowd of people, ignoring the gossip of others around me. I think by now, people were starting to know my name.

" _Isn't that Izaya Orihara?"_

"Dude, he goes to our school, and he's like, nuts."

"Let's go, I heard he has a screw or two loose. He's a sociopath."

A vein mark throbbed on my forehead as I whirled around and gave them a death glare.

"Ah, he noticed us!"

"Cowards," I muttered, watching some of the high school boys run off.

As I walked, swinging my school bag around like a gyroscope, I heard Simon call out my name.

"Oh, Izaya, come on in for breakfast! Good to see you!"

" **Hi, Simon, bye, Simon**!" I cried, running off.

"Nonsense, Izaya, come have breakfast!" He said, as he grabbed me effortlessly.

"No, you don't understand, it's-" I said.

"What? Are you afraid of Shizuo? He is right behind you."

I froze. _Oh god, no._

I did not even dare breathe, I did not even make a sound as I sat at my chair in the restaurant, pretending that I did not see, that I did not hear the voice I knew so well.

"Simon, I'm here for some sushi, before I go to frickin' school."

"Do not curse, Shizuo. Is bad."

"Right, sorry, Simon." Shizuo said.

"Shizuo, you can sit right here, beside Izaya."

"WHAT?"

Immediately, a fist smashed into the table next to me.

I jumped. _Shit, shit, shit, **shit** , **shit.**_

Right, right, right, keep your poker face!

What else are you supposed to do when an explosive guy comes to sit beside you and he hates your guts?

Even if Izaya had been female, there would still be a chance of him hating me!

Yeah, but at least as a girl, I could act coy or pretend to cry, mistaking him for my boyfriend. As a guy, I couldn't. He would not be fooled, not for a second.

"Izzzzzaaaayaaa, what are you doing here?" A deadly voice hissed from beside me.

A vein throbbed on my forehead. " _I'm eating, Shizu-chan, do you mind?"_

"As a matter of fact, I do-"

The next second, Simon shoved a piece of sushi into Shizuo's mouth.

"No fighting, Shizuo!"

"Dammit, Simon, you don't understand! He's pure evil..."

But the smirk I shot him only caused him to rage further.

I really didn't like dealing with Shizuo.

I'd been afraid of vending machines. I didn't want to get crushed by another one again.

Unfortunately, the words Shizuo and give up do not come together, not at all.

Sure, there were times where I accidentally got him in trouble, then other times where I purposely did.

But never did I want to see him get hurt or killed. I was different from _that_ Izaya in that way.

Still, he was rather annoying.

Was it wrong whenever I wished for a world where I didn't have my name all over the place?

Whenever something as simple as _getting your lunch becomes a problem,_ you have a shitty life.

"Oh no, it's Heiwajima, everyone back up!"

"Damned flea, damned flea, damned flea!"

I paled and held in a breath.

'Okay, you can do it, do it. Think about other things. Walker is over there reading manga, Erika is reading her yaoi-'

"Orihara-san, what will you have?"

 _"IIIZAAAAAYAAAAA!"_

The next thing we knew, suddenly several students were now projectiles as Shizuo threw them in random directions, storming up to me.

"Heiwajima, Orihara, take it outside." A teacher ordered.

"Shizu-chan, I'm ordering my lunch, please shut up." I said, smiling nervously, to hide the fact that I wanted to kill him.

"Izaya, what are you planning this time?"

"I'm just getting my _fucking_ lunch, do you _mind?_ "

He flinched. I never cursed unless I had to.

The effect was instantaneous, Shizuo looked terrified.

"Izaya?" He muttered.

"Just let me have my fucking lunch in peace, _Shizuo_ ," I snapped.

"No Shizu-chan?" He stammered.

"No Shizu-chan," I said coldly as I slammed my lunch tray down.

Shizuo was amazingly silent, he was still glaring at me, but also totally bewildered by my odd behavior.

"Oh, hi, Izaya!" Shinra called.

"Fuck off."

Shinra gasped. "Izaya's in one of those moods again."

"Hey, Shinra, is it like a period?"

I nearly jumped, but said nothing. 'Is he on to me? Does he know I used to be a woman...? Oh god...'

"No, those only happen to girls. I'm guessing something happened to Izaya with his work or...is it because of your parents?"

I nodded my head tersely.

"What was their excuse this time?" He said sympathetically.

"They needed more time...for _hotel time._ " I snapped, before stabbing a piece of steak with my knife and cutting it into pieces.

"Izaya, you might want to stop spearing that."

" _Right_ ," I said.

"Somehow, the flea's _more_ annoying when he's not saying anything," Shizuo remarked.

"Shizuo-kun, Izaya has to take care of his sisters all by himself. You could at least be a little more sensitive."

"The flea has sisters? Here I thought he'd poison them or lock them up."

"Izaya-kun wouldn't do that...though, maybe!" Shinra said.

"Shinra!" I cried.

One look from me was all it took to shut him up...for a little while.

"So as you can see, Celty and I..."

Oh, god. Celty again.

Fuming, I continued eating my lunch, not saying a single word.

I wasn't sure if that pissed Shizuo off or terrified him, because usually he knew me as the guy who never shut the fuck up, so for me to suddenly not talk was terrifying.

Whenever I was female and had been on my period, I was scary, too, because I wouldn't say anything.

Whenever girls bullied me in school, I just sat there and glared at them. Apparently, it was so scary they always found someone else to pick on.

I was known as that creepy, weird girl who never smiles much.

They found it creepy when I smiled. I guess that was true, here, because here I was a megalomaniacal sociopath.

"Izaya," Shinra said.

"Shinra," I said.

"Yeah?"

"Ask your mom to make me some dinner for the brats. I nearly burned the kitchen down yesterday."

I was a horrible cook.

Mairu and Kururi refused to eat anything I made unless it was cereal or a sandwich.

I usually had to have Shinra's parents come over and cook for me, thank god, because they were good at it.

I could remember going into my high school class on cooking, and they made the mistake of letting _me_ cook something. The end result was that the fire alarm was sounded and the _entire school_ was evacuated.

"Lucia, you can no longer cook!"

"I tried my best!" I cried, pointing to the black heap that was supposed to be chicken.

"Something like that still carried over into this life, it seems," I said later as I glared at the black mess on the stove. What had I done wrong? I'd followed the directions...

Suddenly, Shinra's mother came in.

"I know what happened, Izaya-kun, you added too much of this..." She went on and on.

" _How_ do you do that?" I mumbled.

"This is a thing that only women are good at."

"There are some guys that cook." I said, thinking of Gordon Ramsay.

"Here is one that can't," She said pointedly.

Geez, what was with the murderous aura? What had I done wrong?

"Women," I muttered, sticking my hands in my pockets.

"Did you say something, Izaya-kun?" Emilia said, turning to face me, with a scary look in her eyes.

Suddenly, Mairu and Kururi appeared, which made Emilia turn nice again.

"Women?" I said to Shinra when he came in.

"Women," He replied, "They're terrifying. Celty hit me today!"

Then came Shingen, the one I disliked most of all.

"Izaya, how good to see you again!" Shingen cried, "You've become even manlier than usual."

"Get off me." I said.

"Oh, show me your information-gathering skills!" He said, "But apparently, you still can't cook worth a damn."

"Fuck off."

"Is that any way to speak to your elders?" He said.

"You're hardly much of an elder to begin with." I said.

"Gotta say I agree, Dad." Shinra said.

"My own son's betraying me!"

He turned to Mairu and Kururi.

"Are you two...clones?"

"We're his sisters..." They mumbled, hiding behind me.

It was then that Mairu chose that moment for her prank to fall on Shingen, which was a bucket of water.

Then he started laughing. "You're really good at that!" He said, and suddenly Mairu started getting along with him, which was even worse.

"Mr. Shingen's a nice guy, can he come over more often?"

"No," I growled, "Now get to bed."

"I wanna stay up."

"It's 11:00, go to bed."

"We wanna sleep with Iza-nii."

"The last time you did that, you wound up pulling all the curtains out and then trying to suspend me from them."

"We thought you were an alien."

"That was a joke!" I growled.

Kids.

Shit. I'd forgotten the material I was supposed to use.

I stared at the test blankly, filing in answer after answer.

There was someone who looked like they knew what they were doing.

Shizuo.

"Hey, Shizu-chan, what's the answer?"

"Do your own work, flea," Was all he said.

"Hm, seems to me it's taking you _longer_ to think of the answers than others." I observed.

"Not everyone's a genius, flea."

"I'll say, Shizu-chan really is a dumbass...a dumb beast."

That was all it took for Shizuo to snap his pencil in half, lift up his chair and scream my name. The whole classroom burst into chaos.

"Orihara, Heiwajima, this is the twentieth time this month you've been caught fighting. You will be sweeping outside, together!"

Shizuo used so many disgusting words then that the principal gave up and let Shizuo go.

"Can't believe I've gotta work with you, damned flea."

"Can't believe I've gotta work with you, you couldn't even control yourself."

"Fuck you."

"I heard that. There's no way I'd sleep with a monster."

"Shut up, stupid flea."

If I'd been anyone else but Izaya, I'd have been treated nicely. But because I was Izaya, I should be treated like shit?

We spent most of the day ignoring each other or annoying each other.

In my boring, lonely life as Izaya, I did stupid shit and it came back to hit me.

-Present day-

My eyes flew open.

I found myself, in the middle of a warehouse, surrounded by gangsters.

How often does this happen? Maybe about twice a month?

"Oh, who might you be? I don't remember such ugly faces!"

"Orihara, you piece of shit, you didn't pay up!"

"Information comes at a price, you know."

All that got me was a punch in the face.

Fuck, I hate this destiny.

"What did you use to knock me out with?"

"Chloroform, nothing special, you went down easily. You're a piece of shit and I heard you like sucking on Shizuo Heiwajima's c-"

That was all he said before I slit his throat.

"Don't underestimate me," I said, playing up the evil act for all it was worth.

Instantly, the goons got terrified. Still, Izaya Orihara did inspire a lot of fear in people.

However, before I could do anything more, black shadows ensnared most of them.

'Izaya!' Celty said as she wrote frantically, 'Are you all right? Shinra told me you went missing!'

"You actually care enough about me to rescue me?" I said, chuckling slightly as I swayed and fell into her arms.

Apparently, I was tortured by them while I was unconscious.

Shit.

Everything fell into blackness as I heard nothing more.

The first thing that greeted me was pain. Lots of burning pain.

"FUCKKKKKKKKKK!"

"Izaya, your arm has to heal!" Shinra cried.

"It has to heal _now_!" I cried.

"I could _always_ bring you drinks from a vending-"

"Don't even say it!" I snapped.

"You're weird sometimes, Izaya. This surgery's gonna hurt, you know."

I must've let loose about seventeen thousand curse words while Shinra operated on my arm.

"Well, Izaya, it seems your left arm is..."

"It's _what_?" I spat.

"It's sprained. It'll heal, but it'll take a while. You can still use your knives, it just might hurt a little when you use the computer."

"And?" I said, glaring at him.

"I suggest that you avoid Shizuo."

"Impossible to do when he's always right behind me."

Sure enough, the door burst open and in came Shizuo.

"Where's Izaya?" He cried, "Damn, flea, who got you?"

"Gangsters," I said smoothly.

"Not before he killed or incapacitated a few of them," Shinra said.

"Not bad, flea," Shizuo said, "Damn them! It should've been me who killed them! I'm gonna go kill them!"

"That's not necessary!" Shingen said.

"Why are _you_ back here again?" I growled.

"Oh come on, Izaya-kun, I thought nine years of friendship have helped us!"

"What are you really after?" I grumbled.

"Why, I'd like to see Izaya cook!"

Celty shook as though she were laughing.

Shinra couldn't stop laughing, either.

"Shinra, stop betraying me." I said.

Whenever he didn't listen, I tossed a knife his way.

"Shinra, shut up!"

"Izaya-kun," Shingen said, "I've got a special story for you. I downloaded it from the Internet. It's a wonderful piece of literature about romance."

"Romance?" I muttered.

"It's called Fifty Shades of Gay! It's a lovely story!"

" _Um, I think I'll pass.._."

"No, Izaya-kun, you're sitting here doing nothing, you may as well enjoy the show."

Shinra listened in eagerly as his dad read the tale, my face was turning puce with disgust...

SO MUCH LATER THAT THE OLD NARRATOR GOT TIRED OF WAITING AND THEY HAD TO HIRE A NEW ONE

(if you catch that joke, you rule)

"That's the end of the first book! What did you all think?"

"IT was wonderful!" Shinra cried.

'It was horrifying!' Celty typed.

"Disgusting!" Shizuo boomed, having hit a wall.

"Amazing! She's the best writer ever!" Emilia purred.

"And Izaya-kun, what do you think? You're the birthday boy-"

"Touch me again and y **ou die**." I growled.

"Oh, come on, Izaya-kun, don't we care about each other?"

"Go die in a fire."

"Hm, it's really a metaphor for love between you and Shizuo."

Instantly, Shizuo had punched Shingen and sent him flying.

"Say that again and I'll kill you!"

"I deserved that one," Shingen said.

"So disgusting..." Shizuo snarled. "Women are crazy..."

"Izaya-kun, time for dinner!" Emilia said.

Oh god, can they please leave?


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:Hello there, everyone! Things might be kinda silent for the next few days or so, as I'll be working on studying for my final exams and the Christmas holidays are coming up! So I'm gonna be a little bit busy on the side! I'm taking a bit of a break from roleplaying stuff on Tumblr and gonna be continuing my OC stories. Expect an update on this and 'Strength of a Saiyan,' especially because that is a top story for me. I want to get through the Saiyan Saga as fast as possible without using filler. I'll do as much as I can for that story. And for the others, such as this one here, which may be veering away from canon a little, just by how differently this Izaya acts/reacts to things than his canon counterpart.

Shizaya may be a pairing, but other pairings are possible in the future, too. Just give me time to think them over. I always have shipped Kururi X Aoba, so maybe that one will be canon! And if you haven't already noticed, I do not like Shingen's character very much! Ha Ha!

This chapter is a little short, namely because I'm working on another fanfic. :D

Chapter 4 Recovering from Madness (What is Shingen doing in my room? Stay away from me, stay away from my sisters, etc!)

* * *

I love humans.

But some...just drive me up the damned wall.

Some people believe that I shouldn't exist on this earth at all, like Shizu-chan. Which, I ask you; what kind of person can ever say such a thing to someone's face and not expect them to retaliate by cutting them, just like I did to him that day?

I mean, I didn't choose the life of Izaya Orihara. If I had been consulted for it, would I have opted for a better life, a better one? Yes, yes I would have, better than being a guy everyone hates and wants dead, better than being someone who gets stabbed, thrown into a water tower, and has his legs broken simply for existing! Hell, I'd hated Izaya's character.

But this was my life now; no way in hell would I give it up for anything. I love my sisters (even if they can be a pain in the ass at times-no, all the time), I care about my parents, Shinra, Akane, even good old Mikado and Kida. And Saki is a very adorable girl.

However, there were times when being Izaya made me want to hit something. Or someone. This was _one_ of those times.

What happened, you ask?

Well, after my arm had been injured by those damned gangsters, a certain someone decided to stick around, regardless of how annoying said someone was, lurking around my apartment, and being a pest to me when I attempted to do daily activities with my arm being sprained.

But I had no idea that Shingen would honestly take his obsession with his patients this far.

Let me explain what happened, for those of you who are obviously quite confused with what I've just stated: it happened around several hours ago, when I was curled up, under my covers, actually having a restful sleep for once.

 _I let out a content sigh as I curled up around my pillow, my crimson orbs closed as I was in a peaceful slumber. Nothing could serve to bother me in this state, I was entirely relaxed. For once, I didn't have to worry about Shizu-chan bothering me, as he'd sworn he wouldn't attack the stupid flea until 'he,' in his own words, 'got better, because it's no fun chasing someone who won't fight back!'_

 _For once, Shizuo was showing empathy to me, his opponent. I felt honored-but also kinda disgusted._

 _I smiled in my sleep as I rolled over, clutching a teddy bear in my arms. The teddy bear was itself a gift from Mairu and Kururi. Even though they were sometimes stupid-(and annoying) siblings, I would never wish them any real harm._

 _Sure, they were annoying, but they were my siblings._

 _As I did so, I thought I heard someone snoring beside me. Alarmed, I opened my eyes and sat up. There was someone else in my bed with me. Instantly, I armed myself with my switchblade and pulled some of the blankets aside, in time to see who it was._

 _It was...Shingen._

 _My face paled slightly, and my eyebrows twitched in annoyance. Why the hell was he even in my bedroom to begin with?_

 _I immediately pushed him off of my bed, and planted my foot in his behind, sending him flying into the wall, which woke him up, as he awoke (still wearing that hideous mask) and looked around wildly._

 _"Emilia! Where are you, my beautiful Emilia...oh...? Izaya-kun...?" He said in confusion, paling upon seeing me advancing on him, wielding a switchblade, fifty thousand shades of pissed off._

 _I had been having a pleasant dream where I wasn't Izaya and then this insect had to ruin it._

 _"Thanks so much!" I snarled, "Shingen, get the hell out of my room! This isn't your house!"_

 _"But Izaya-kun, I wanted to remain by your bedside, to make sure your arm was still in good condition."_

 _Sure enough, my arm twinged as I held my switchblade. It felt better when I switched hands_

 _"See what I mean? You need my help."_

 _"I don't need your perverse mind or your perverse self inside my bedroom, watching me sleep like the pervert that you are! Keep away from my little sisters and get out! Shouldn't you be bothering Shinra?" I snarled, coming closer to him, despite my injured arm aching at every movement I made._

 _"See, Izaya-kun," He tsked, holding my injured arm in the air, "You still need my medical care."_

 _"IT doesn't matter! You're a perverted old man in my room! Get out!" I hissed._

 _"Izaya-kun acts just like a little schoolgirl."_

 _"I assure you, I'm one hundred percent male. I just want to have my quiet time, alone," I emphasized the word alone._

 _He shook his head. "Izaya-kun, you really aren't a real man, are you?"_

 _Namie opened the door then, rubbing her eyes groggily. Oh yeah, sometimes I forgot that Namie Yagiri lived in my own freaking apartment._

 _"Orihara, who the hell is this?"_

 _"This pervert was in my bed, and he tried to molest me." I said sarcastically, shooting Shingen a death glare._

 _"Izaya-kun really hates me. I'm into cute, younger boys. I heard you have an adorable little brother. Can I meet him?"_

 _The kick Shingen got from Namie was enough to tell him what her answer was to that scenario._

 _"No way!" She growled, "Only Seiji can be mine."_

 _"Incest, huh? That's illegal."_

 _"So is dating someone much younger than you, scumbag!" Namie said, kicking him in the groin._

 _"All right, all right, I deserved that one," He moaned as he was outside my apartment, "I'll call Emilia and have her come get me."_

 _"Can't you take your own way home? You're the mature adult here," I snarked._

 _"Oh, Izaya, you're so heartless and cruel!" Shingen moaned._

 _Emilia showed up, smiling._

 _"Oh, Izaya, I heard you were lonely being all by yourself, so I made you some lunch!" She said, holding out a bag of somewhat edible food._

 _I frowned. "I see. Thank you."_

 _Upon seeing all of them stare at me like I was an alien, I said, "What?"_

 _"Are you really Izaya, the heartless informant?" Namie said, looking at me in disbelief, stunned._

 _I scratched my head. "I'm capable of humanity, thank you very much for the support, Namie." I said in annoyance._

 _She stared at me before sighing and going back in my apartment._

* * *

That was how I wound up with Shingen trying to harass me about my arm, much to my annoyance.

"How is it feeling? How are your cooking skills?" Shingen said.

I glared at him. "Go away and leave me alone!" I hissed.

Why could I never have any peace and quiet when it came to him?

Why me?


	5. Chapter 5 Don't bother

_**A/N: I am very appalled. My workplace is giving me bullshit about me wearing headphones. I'm not doing that bullshit again. I'm hoping tomorrow, they forget all about it and just let me wear the damned headphones, as i have sensory issues with sound.**_

 _ **Anyway, just to let you know, some creepy stuff might be in this chapter, we see some of Izaya's past as a female with his not so perfect 'parents' and now his life as Izaya. So he has more complexity now. He has dyslexia and he's genderfluid.**_

 _ **Today, we see Izaya getting along better with Celty and other shit. Out of all my OCs, I feel this one is the hardest to write because I haven't really given her/him a good reason for their past or being fully fleshed out. So I'm hoping that the changes I include in this plot will help explain things better for readers!**_

 _ **Wish me luck tomorrow (I'm gonna need it with intolerant assholes who can't handle that I'm autistic and as such have accommodations I need. I've been working with them for a long time and this is how they treat me? Jerks.)**_

 _ **Anyway, on to the chapter! A warning for a bit of mildly suggestive dialogue.**_

 _ **Mikage's behavior WILL be explained in-universe in this chapter. I think she regrets what she's done, but Iza is not used to being a guy and of course, she isn't going to understand what he means by 'understanding' what it's like being female.**_

 _ **In other words, Izaya identifies mostly as male, but still has some female stuff. In other words, he's the most adjusted of my muses.**_

 _ **I wanted this story to have more complications for the OC, tbh. I've just been holding back because I felt like the chapter wasn't good enough. I just want to concentrate on the female aspect of Izaya's personality, list his difficulties with being a boy.**_

 _Chapter 5 Izaya Orihara and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad past. Or in other words, Celty, can I lend you a head? Oh and Mikage is a real bitch._

* * *

Reincarnation is never fair.

I realized this once I realized I was **Izaya fucking Orihara.**

Yeah, in the world of Durarara, _of all places._

Well, my luck could have been worse.

I could have been reborn as Anri, of all people, wielder of Saika.

I could have been reborn as Haruna, the girl who starts a relationship with her _teacher._

I could have been reborn as Seiji or Namie, incestuous. Or Mika, the stalker.

Granted, that might have been interesting.

I counted my blessings that I was not Akane, yakuza princess.

I repressed a shudder at the thought of being Saki...urgh. The memories from my past life of having had a very...creepy father had not left me. Perhaps that was why I sympathized so much with her.

To be honest, I was kinda glad I was Izaya because I was much better off than any of the others, in some ways. Granted, that meant that Izaya could act as feminine as he wanted, I could run rampant on the chatroom as Kanra and no one would think twice; they would just chalk it up to Izaya being, well, _Izaya._

People would be asking questions if it was anyone else.

That doesn't mean that my parents weren't confused sometimes by some of my feminine behavior.

Which is why, as I was sitting in my bed, attempting to read a newspaper and ignoring the pain shooting through my shoulder, my mind threw itself back into memories of my past life. Why wouldn't it? I was sitting here, totally bored.

I couldn't go out and enjoy myself in Ikebukuro. Shinra had told me as much that Shizuo would still try to kill me, injury or no injury.

Shizuo popped in every once in a while, shouting curses at me, before he'd left me alone, complaining that I was stinking up the place with my smell. Like I even had a smell. Why did Shizuo call Izaya a flea, anyway? I never understood that myself.

Once I healed up, he said, he would come back to beat me up.

Yup, real nice.

I continued looking through the newspaper, my eyes scouring over the text, me bringing the newspaper closer to my face. I was so bored. Not even looking out the window at humans helped me in this situation.

I was a little dyslexic-or I had been, as Lucia, it seemed to have carried over into this life, so I had to squint a little bit to make sure I knew what I was doing. It was a difficult task, but nothing is too hard for Izaya Orihara, master informant!

I could hear the sound of the television blaring-it was obvious Celty was watching another documentary on aliens and scaring herself silly. Why she liked that stuff was beyond me. I had always found such things boring.

Damn, the words were swimming again.

This is what made writing Japanese characters so difficult. Sometimes, I'd had to have my parents write my homework for me because my dyslexia got in my way sometimes. Granted, it wasn't as bad now as it had been then, but some things still carried over. Like my lack of cooking.

I threw the newspaper aside and focused my attention on my laptop screen, still squinting.

"Izaya, do you need glasses?" Shinra asked upon seeing me squinting.

"I have mild dyslexia." I admitted.

"You do?" Shinra said, sounding shocked.

"Yeah, I've had it since I was a kid." I said in boredom. 'And in another life, too.'

No way was I telling Shinra that piece of information.

"Oh, uh...I can enlarge the text on your computer?"

I smirked. "That would be nice."

"Hey, that reminds me, when you were little, you would always like be frowning at test papers. No wonder!" He exclaimed, like he had made a major scientific discovery.

"Shinra, you don't have to humiliate me, it's just a slight disability." I muttered in annoyance, sipping my coffee.

'Can you read your own handwriting?' Celty wrote.

"Yeah, it's fine." I said.

I was pretty good at mathematics, but literature was another story. I was terrible at English. My handwriting left something to be desired.

"Shinra, I do not need a magnifying glass." I said.

"Izaya, I want to help."

"I'm fine." I snapped.

"Well, I'm going out for a bit!" Shinra said, "Celty, look after Izaya!"

'I will!'

"And make dinner-"

At that moment, Celty's shadows attacked Shinra.

"Ah, yeah, sure, I might help you!"

'I don't trust you with cooking,' Celty wrote in response. Then she turned back to me. 'I don't trust you with food. The last time you used my kitchen-'

"I nearly blew it up," I sighed.

'And what if you put poison in the food? I wouldn't put it past you, Izaya.' Celty typed.

"How many times must I say that I'm not up to anything at all now?"

Celty just paused, 'staring' at me.

* * *

We were both alone, as Shinra had already left.

It's odd how I was so used to the idea of a headless woman talking to me.

She typed out, 'Are you serious, Izaya? You've gotta be kidding me. You've showed a more human side to you. Maybe you're not that bad. Still, your reputation precedes you. You're a troll.'

I yawned as a response. Who could say?

I wasn't as much of a troll as the original Izaya, but hey being Izaya meant, sometimes you got bored. And when Izaya got bored, stupid stuff happened.

"Celty?" I began, swallowing.

'Yes?' She typed, looking curious.

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" I asked.

Celty paused. 'What brings this up?'

"I believe in it. As a matter of fact, I do remember a life before this one."

She 'stared' at me again, then started typing excitedly, 'Really? What was it like?'

"The same as ordinary life."

'Tell me about it!' Celty wrote, 'What were you like then?'

My eyebrows raised. I hadn't expected her to be this interested.

"I was a college student, living an ordinary life, until I died."

I wasn't sure how much I wanted to disclose.

'How did you die?' Celty wrote.

"Um, I died when a vending machine fell on me."

Celty looked like she was laughing. 'Really? That's so ironic! Are you sure you're not making this up?'

"No." I said.

'You sound completely serious. Izaya, I've been wondering about something for a while...'

Her shadows curled around me. I shifted, a little uncomfortable.

'My shadows seem to tell me that you're telling the truth. But for some reason, they're indicating something else odd about you.'

"And what's that?" I said, leaning back, then cringing at the pain coming from my arm.

'Although your aura is masculine, some part of it is also feminine. I'm confused.'

I sighed. "I'm genderfluid."

'And that is?' Celty typed.

"It's a gender identity that's more prevalent in Western societies, it's where a person identifies as either male or female." I explained.

'Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, you're not trying to tell me that you were...?' She started shaking again.

"What?" I said, my eyebrow raised.

'Izaya, you...no wonder you tried to cook! I can see it! My shadows tell me in a past life, you were female!'

I flinched. "Yeah, secret's out. Who cares?"

'Well, of course you're not female anymore, unless you identify as so. That's so interesting!' Celty wrote.

"That's exactly why I was able to describe periods to Mairu and Kururi," I said.

'It must...have been awkward, being a boy.'

"I'm used to it." I said.

'You could've just told us,' She typed.

"Shinra would've had me dissected long ago."

'So Izaya, you're transgender?"

I stared at her in surprise. "Maybe, like I said I don't really care that much. It's in the past."

'It's just so funny. Whenever I think of feminine, you don't really come to mind.'

"Shut up," I grumbled, folding my arms and looking away, "Do you think you were reincarnated?"

"I don't know,' Celty typed, apparently having found this unusual topic to be very interesting.

"Please don't tell Shinra."

'I won't. It's your secret.' She assured.

I closed my laptop and set it aside.

"Celty," I said, stifling a yawn.

'Yes?'

"Thanks for listening."

She stared at me.

'Well, Izaya...that's the first time I heard you thank me. Maybe your injuries have made you act weirder.' She teased.

I rolled over, ignoring that remark. "I've always been human."

I hadn't accepted her to accept my former identity so easily, but then again, this is Celty we're talking about.

'Izaya, if you're wondering why I didn't ridicule you, I have no head. Shizuo has super strength. If people like us exist, why can't someone like you exist with memories of another life who is genderfluid? It's not really that weird.'

I flushed. "Whatever. I'm going to sleep, I'm tired."

'You know, your aura for once was honest. Shizuo has plenty of honest auras about him.'

That didn't surprise me.

As I slowly fell asleep, the last thing I heard was the noise of the television and Celty getting freaked out over yet another ghost show.

I couldn't believe I'd confessed it to her.

All this time, I'd been afraid of telling them. Of telling Shinra of how uncomfortable I felt when he hit on Celty and said sexist things, of how I felt uncomfortable having a girlfriend.

But-I'd known all this time that if there was one person who wouldn't judge, it was her.

I curled up around the blankets as I drifted off to sleep, going to sleep, back in my memories.

* * *

 _I was running from him again._

 _His arm brushed against my shoulder. Daddy was very nice. Until Mommy disappeared, then he became weird but still fun. We did interesting things by ourselves, he had me watch things of people doing funny things._

 _"Honey, why don't we play Daddy's favorite game?"_

 _I don't quite remember those games very well, but all I know is that my idyllic house life was shattered into pieces once I had told my mom what happened between my dad and I. That he had molested me._

 _They'd been divorced and I hadn't been allowed to see him again._

 _I'd forgotten all about it up until I was reborn and about the same age as the time it'd happened in my original life._

 _I looked up at my mother with pleading eyes._

 _"Okaasan, I wanna wear a dress!"_

 _"Izaya, why do you want to do that? You're a boy!"_

 _"No, I wanna wear a dress!"_

 _"Nonsense, you're a boy." Kyoko said sharply, "I won't have you acting like that."_

 _Attempting to convince my parents of this stuff was impossible. This was Japan, after all, and gender roles were extremely strict._

 _It was just impossible._

 _I sighed and put my head down on my desk, playing with my pencil._

 _At times like this when I was a little kid, I really missed my old friends...Carmen and someone else. I wondered how they were doing. Here I was, stuck as Izaya of all people, when they were probably moving on without me._

 _They were living their own lives._

 _They probably missed me a lot._

 _00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

 _"Took you long enough, Orihara." Mikage said, swinging her bag back and forth._

 _"Hello, Mikage-chan. You're grumpier than usual."_

 _"Shut up, Izaya." She said before smacking me with her bag._

 _"Are you menstruating?"_

 _"Who taught you that? Your sisters, your mom?" She questioned._

 _"It's annoying, isn't it?" I chuckled._

 _She gave me a funny look. "You wouldn't understand that stuff."_

 _"I read about it."_

 _"It's not something you'll ever understand unless you go through it yourself and you won't, because you're a guy." She snapped at me._

 _I remember the first time Mikage and I kissed. It was weird._

 _My male hormones went crazy while on the inside, I felt horrified, as I was straight. The idea of me kissing a woman felt weird._

 _"Mikage-chan, how are you?" I said to her._

 _"Screw off, Izaya." Was all she said._

 _"Why aren't you talking to me?"_

 _"Because you're a jackass and a douchebag. You were looking at some other girl!"_

 _"Mikage-chan, why are you girls so frustrating?"_

 _"Excuse me!" She snapped, turning around to face me. "Orihara, you are so sexist. You don't understand how girls feel. You never could!"_

 _My eyes widened in hurt. "Yes, I could," I said quietly._

 _She sneered. "You'd never understand unless you're in a woman's shoes. Frankly, the other reason I broke up with you is that I've heard rumors that you're some kind of tranny."_

 _"I trusted you," I growled, my hands tightening on the knife I had._

 _"You're the worst kind of person possible, Orihara. You pretend to be a nice guy, but you're not."_

 _"Oh yeah? Well, you're the worst kind of woman possible. You disgrace females by pretending to care about a guy, then dumping him when he no longer satisfies you! Is that all I was to you? You humans are interesting, but frankly, Mikage-chan, you're a bitch and I regret ever meeting you! Goodbye, Mikage-chan, and enjoy your life."_

 _I waved sarcastically at her and walked away, leaving her open-mouthed._

 _I heard some of the guys start clapping, however some of the kids started gossiping about me. I ignored them and headed to my class._

 _"I can't believe Sharaku was leading him on like that."_

 _"Maybe Orihara's not a bad guy after all. Even a troll like him can reach his breaking point."_

 _"He's a typical man, he's putting women down and being a jerk."_

 _I really hated high school._

 _"Oi, flea." Shizuo said to me as I sat there, stabbing my lunch with my knife and making a hole in the tray._

 _"Oi, flea! I'm talking to you."_

 _"Go away, Shizu-chan!"_

 _"What's wrong with the flea?" He said before looking at Shinra._

 _"His girlfriend broke up with him."_

 _"You had a girlfriend, flea?"_

 _"She decided I wasn't worthy to date her because I wasn't exciting enough." I sliced into the sushi we were eating and plopped it into my mouth. "On top of that, she didn't like me because she thinks guys like me who are a little feminine are freaks. I hate humans like her, they're the absolute worst."_

 _By now the hole had become a huge gouge from my knife._

 _Shizuo stared at me. "You all right?"_

 _"No, not at all. Why do you care, Shizu-chan? You hate me." I chirped._

 _Both Shinra and Shizuo remained silent, giving me time to mourn my loss._

 _Mikage had been the first person to reach out to me. Regardless of what she'd said, she had been my first girlfriend._

 _I suddenly understood why being a guy sucked so much. If I had been a female, she would have bought my story, but because of who I was now, I could be easily vilified in a heartbeat._

 _Something inside me snapped on that day._

 _"Izaya, it's almost time for the lunch bell to ring! Izaya!" Shinra shook me._

 _I stood up and pushed the chair away, not even looking at him as I entered the bathroom and wept bitterly. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I was Izaya. I was stronger than that._

 _In a way, I was acting more like Hachimenroppi than Izaya._

 _I still liked humans, but I kept my distance from them._

 _The next memory had me meeting Saki for the first time._

 _I'd saved her from her family and taken her in._

 _From that point on, Saki was always by my side._

 _She reminded me a lot of myself when I had been female._

 _She and I grew to care for one another._

 _"Izaya-sama, why are you so nice to me?" She asked._

 _"I understand how it feels to have people who hurt you." I said, "Humans will use and break each other, Saki-chan. I can help you if you'd like."_

 _"I'd like that." She said._

 _000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

 **"IZAYA, ANSWER THE DAMNED PHONE!"**

 _Kida's voice came roaring over the line._

 _My eyes widened. I knew what was happening._

 _I picked up the phone and was about to answer, before I remembered what was going on._

 _I couldn't think of anything to say._

 _I knew Kida was hurting right now, but I couldn't say anything._

 _Instead, I hung up._

 _The phone rang again, and again, and again._

 _I knew what I had to do. I had to rectify the situation._

 _But how could I?_

I watched over Saki.

The girl I'd taken care of was now a lifeless doll in a case, barely moving.

I should have protected her.

But I failed. I was in charge of both Kida and Saki, and I chose not to protect them. I was just _selfish_ Izaya.

"Izaya!" Kida cried.

He looked pissed off.

"Masaomi-kun," I muttered, "Aren't you glad she's still alive?"

He tried to punch me. I swerved out of the way and caught his fist.

"Masaomi, why did you choose to run away?"

"I-I..." The poor kid stammered.

"That kind of doubt could get you killed in the future. Humans are cruel, cruel creatures."

"Shut up!" He cried, "What would you know about cruelty? You're just a selfish bastard! You don't even care about Saki."

I stared at him for a few moments, before I let go of his fist and he fell to the floor.

"Izaya-san?" He muttered, looking fearful.

"Masaomi-kun, why do you think I'm here?"

"To laugh at Saki! Laugh at me!"

I rolled my eyes. "Come now, do you really find me that evil?"

"Yeah!"

"No, I am here because I care about her. I am as much at fault for it as you are."

His mouth flopped open.

"I know you may hate me for it, but-"

My voice cracked.

"Masaomi-kun, I'm just as human as you are."

I stared at Saki again, wishing she would move, get up, smile, say anything. But she was limp.

'And now, I'm just not sure what to say...' I thought.

"Izaya?" Kida asked, getting back up. "Are you all right?"

"Masaomi, since you seem to judge me according to my actions, I'll just leave you. But the past can really hurt you if you let it." I advised, "Otherwise, it'll consume you completely."

"Izaya?" Kida was still staring at me in disbelief. "What are you playing at?"

"Oh, come now, Kida-kun, do you believe I'm emotionless?"

"You knew she was being hurt, you didn't do anything!"

Those words stung.

I remained silent.

"I'm sorry, Kida-kun."

"What? Are you mocking me?"

"No, I'm not. You ran away from Saki, but I also did as well. Humans are so interesting. We're both guilty of something. You avoided her-"

At this he tried to punch me again.

"I am guilty of being an evil douche."

"Why are you pretending to be human? You don't have any feelings!" He snapped.

' _She almost died because of me_ ,' I thought, but bit my lip.

"Well, you nearly killed her. I hope you're happy." He sank to his knees, watching the girl that he loved with sad eyes.

"Oh, poor, ignorant Kida-kun. Humans are hypocritical."

"YOU'RE THE DEFINITION OF HYPOCRITE!"

As I walked away, he cast one last look at me and then gasped, audibly.

"Izaya, come back here!"

But I couldn't look, I couldn't show him that I had been crying.

I was too ashamed to face him, so I just didn't.

Of course, I played it off later by pretending I was cool, confident Izaya. I don't think Kida believes Izaya could show any emotions. And he's probably right, in a way.

That was oh so typical.


End file.
